Mental health jokes Jokes Funny Mental health jokes Jokes

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A man is strolling past the mental from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is." The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

After hearing that one of the patients from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

The mother of a problem child was from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" "Yes," the boy's mother answered. "And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. "Who cares?" the mother replied.

Three patients in a mental institution prepare from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hallOne from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

How many Histrionic PD does to take from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
How many Histrionic P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? "You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore!"

How many Dependent PD does to take from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.

How many Passive Aggressive PD does to from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Oops.I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.

How many ObsessiveCompulsive PD does to take from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.

How many Borderline PD does to take from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

Patient Doctor I get the feeling that from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?

Great news Mr Oscarson the psychiatrist reported from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again." "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied. "And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever." "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?" "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."

One out of every four people is from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

Patient Im really depressed Therapist I see from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
Patient: I'm really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You're thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat.

When they arrived at the therapists office from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

The head doctors in an insane asylum from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

What do Psychologists say to each other from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?" "You're fine, how am I? "

How many psychoanalysts does it take to from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? "How many do you think it takes?"

How many psychiatrists does it take to from Flashcomment Mental health jokes Jokes
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.